Is It Misanthropic to Tweak the Truth?

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Lying evokes different responses in different people, and most recognise that occasionally a “white lie” can oil the social wheels, save someone from hurt feelings or protect personal privacy. As stated by an anonymous thinker from the past, lying can be,

“An abomination unto the Lord, but a very present help in time of troubles.”

This is not the same as lying to benefit yourself financially, or even worse, lying so that you may falsely impress others or even discredit another person, maybe due to rivalry or a grudge. At the other extreme is a statement by Gore Vidal:

“He will lie, even when it is inconvenient: the sign of the true artist.”

Poet, Adrienne Rich, wrote a pamphlet "Woman and Honor: Notes on Lying." It addresses, primarily, the devastating effects on relationships of lying. There are, of course, those lies of omission.

“Lying is done with words, and also with silence,” says Rich.

Such ruses include pretending to be doing something else rather than be drawn into a subject that makes the “liar by omission” uncomfortable. Another way is to bounce the question back. For example, if one partner enquires, “How do you feel?,” the other responds with “How do you feel?.” This ensures she finds out what she wants to know, but without giving too much away.

The life-lie: self-preservation or protection

Easily justified is the lie told to maintain privacy or preserve information that belongs to us alone. Rich says that such a choice of response may well be justified, “but we ought to think about the full meaning and consequences of such language.” Henrik Ibsen, in The Wild Duck (1884), may have been referring to just such little life-preserving white lies when he said,

“Take the life-lie away from the average man and straight away you take away his happiness.”

Lying has always been an essential aid to self-protection. Societies, especially during times of war, lie, possibly to mislead an enemy. Moralists may condemn, but lying can have a high survival value. Yet, many people lie at inappropriate times – for example, as a defensive mechanism when they are not actually under threat and when it would be more mature simply to say, “I got it wrong that time.”

The pain of betrayal

“To discover that one has been lied to in a personal relationship, however, leads one to feel a little crazy,” says Rich. It is true as Rich says, that often, when we lie to others, we first lie to ourselves.

One of her examples is when one might say, “I didn’t want to cause pain.” As the poet points out, “What she really did not want is to have to deal with the other’s pain. The lie is a shortcut through another’s personality.”

So, are some forms of lying more acceptable than others? Does it depend upon our reasons for lying, or even on the actual consequences of being truthful? After all, lying for self-preservation and the protection of those we love is not the same as lying out of vanity or weakness of character. On the other hand, consider how knights of former centuries would gather to joust as practice for the harsh realities of battle. Then consider – how would we possibly be able to lie convincingly when it truly mattered, without some prior practice when it didn’t?

Quotations about lying:

“It is well said in the old proverb, “A lie will go round the world while truth is pulling its boots on.” C.H. Spurgeon, Gems from Spurgeon (1859)

“There is no worse lie than a truth misunderstood by those who hear it.” Wlilliam James, Varieties of Religious Experience (1902)

“The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.” Samuel Butler, The Way of All Flesh (1903)

“Have you heard of the terrible family They, / And the dreadful venomous things They say? / Why, half of the gossip under the sun, / If you trace it back, you will find begun / In that wretched House of They.” Ella Wheeler Wilcox (1855-1919.)

“His very frankness is a falsity. In fact, it seems falser than his insincerity.” Short story writer, Katherine Mansfield, (1888-1923) on her husband, John Middleton Murray.

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“If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.” Virginia Woolf, novelist and feminist (1882-1941)

Sources:
Women and Honor: Notes on Lying, Adrienne Rich, Only Women, 1987 (4th printing.)
The Oxford Companion to the Mind, Ed: Richard L. Gregory, Oxford University Press, 1987.